running back to you

I shouldn't be writing this, I have something important to do tomorrow

but here we are.

as you say, there is no god that bonds us as closely as my mind would like to believe. all my thoughts are fiction and you are reality staring at me through a screen, miles away. I don’t remember the last time I felt wanted. sometimes I wave at a squirrel and it crawls up my leg. only sometimes. the feeling of desire and want are very similar in my mind. I desire love, joy, memories, and sweet incense burning in my room forevermore that won’t choke me to death. I desire for a cashier to be nice to me, so I am nice in return. I desire to gaze at the sky and the water and for it to tell me things I already knew. I desire to be in your presence forevermore that won’t bring me to tears. recently, i’ve been grasping on to paper and napkins and anything that I can get a pen to work on, throwing up the ideas that this fictional god tells me when I am alone. if you are right, I am a schizophrenic. if I am right, I will still suffer. although desire does not mesh with a guarantee, my mind will come to confuse the two. a chord strikes in the middle of the night and everything around me commences a race back to the beginning. I see a figment of someone I’ve never met and she looks desirable to you. I think about the fact that maybe you worked harder for her than you ever did for me. I think about the fact you don’t desire me. maybe you never did. maybe god is telling me this. I think about the fact I deserve to be desired. I don’t know where to place this thought. so I run to remove the persistence of its noise. I end up at your door, my head at your feet, gazing up.

07/02/25